i have just finished this book, a deep, intense look at the genocide in the early 90's in Rwanda, a study of the political climate, motives, etc.  many emotions are coursing thru me at the moment.

first, the entire heaviness of trying to understand such a tragedy, being faced with the potential in myself to crucify my fellow humans, if not physically then in my words and action.  also considering the possibility of a complete lack of hope and what that means...hope being a key theme in my life this last year and a half, the lack of such leaves me feeling empty. 

second...endings.  i never do well when i am quite attached to something, as i have been to reading this story, and it ends.  i always felt quite depressed as a kid when stories ended or friends moved or a pet died because endings never sit well with me. 

which leads to the third, the friend who lent me the book, and the promise i once thought was there seems to be no more.  now i must contact him and return this book so that i can stop thinking about it and about him.

this shall be my last xanga blog, possibly indefinitely.  i am starting a running blog to track my training progress...check it out soon at  http://wheretheroadsarealwaysopen.blogspot.com.

 

i've come to learn that loneliness has levels or degrees, if you will.  first there is the initial surfacey loneliness.  the loneliness where you sit on the couch on Saturday night, watching Bridget Jones' Diary and eating frozen pizza by yourself.  it's heartwrenching at first, because loneliness is such a foreign experience; you eventually learn that crying is okay, even necessary.

but as it continues, it deepens, until you wake up one day and realize that loneliness comes from the feeling that these patterns of existence may never end.  that there will not every be that special someone, but an endless round of people coming in and out, in and out.  that there will not be something that breeds a sense of purpose, but an endless days of going somewhere just to earn a dollar.

and the sad this, no one can touch that loneliness...no matter who you reach out to.  it is deep, and dark, and all your own.

i'm in a slump.  like, majorly.  i hate winter.  i hate money.  i hate feeling, well, nothing at all really.  about much of anything.  except maybe angry just a little.  otherwise, disconnected.  from myself.  my desires.  just about everything.  please tell me this passes...